Senseless Sanctuary

As my mind wanders...

2009-12-18T02:26:53Z

Is it bad that when I looked at my brother’s wedding picture, the first thing that came to mind was “Thank the gods that wasn’t me!” followed by “Thank the gods I wasn’t there!”?

It’s not the wedding that scares me, it’s the being the center of attention and meeting-loads-of-people-that-you-don’t-know-but-you-should-know part that scares me. I was never good with crowds because I’m private like that. I don’t mind the idea of a lifelong commitment, but if I was to be married, I want it to be a small private one with people who truly means a lot to me. Maybe I’m still an idealist, but my idea of a wedding is just to announce to the those close to me(which is quite small) that I’m getting married. I don’t want an extravagant party with loads of people, I just want my wedding to be simple and easy. I suppose that doesn’t fit into my life, seeing that I’m Chinese and all. Honor and “face” means everything, and having a small wedding is unacceptable to people as reputable as my parents.

All the more reason for me to remain single, I won’t get the pressure of getting married and I won’t get the pressure of having to invite people that I never knew but I have to because of “face”. I want somebody in my life, but I hate lying to myself. It has always been a personal policy in my life that I will stick with being honest, and it cost me quite a lot. Although they say “Honesty is the best policy”, in real life, that’s bullshit because it doesn’t apply. It’s the worst policy in the world and you’re better off a liar than if you’re an honest man. But, why do I keep myself to honesty? Mainly because I hate being lied to, and from that comes my honesty. If I don’t like being lied to, why should I do it to others? Another reason is because it’s the right thing to do.

I’m no saint when it comes to lies. I do tell lies, but mostly in self-defense or protection of others. However, I am a bad liar due to my guilt. It’s easy to spot when I am lying, but even when I lie; I tend to perform the sin of omitting facts than alteration of it.

Sometimes I wonder, why do I punish myself? I could do it the easy way and lie my way through life and lead a good life. Instead, I had to stick to the truth and choose to go through life the hard way with nobody ever appreciating my honesty. Sure, “Leo’s a nice guy” or “Leo’s very honest” are very nice compliments, but it never leads me far. I become that “likable person, but nobody would ever get close to”, combined with my private personality… It’s not making matters any better.

Probably that’s the reason why I love dogs is because they become attached to their masters. Though, my relationship with Milo is probably more to me needing him than him needing me, and that relationship is the reason why I damned the person who said that “dogs are parasites” in a documentary. I am a person who needs companionship, and need someone or something to care about. A pet fills that void in my life, and responsibility is a price I am more than willing to pay.

I believe a person’s relationship with a pet to be symbiotic than parasitic. The master provides food and care for the pets and the pets provide companionship for the master, which won’t hold as an argument in the scientific community. However, for me, I feel that people needed to love and to be loved in return. I’ve known loneliness, I’ve been there and I’m still stuck in it. It’s a place that I wish no one else would have to go.

I suppose I’m stupid for feeling the need to be needed by anything, which was the reason why I am more than willing to jump in front of a truck to save someone or help anyone over the limit of my capabilities. I need to feel needed; I need a reason to live for. Yes, it is people like me who become easy pickings for people with less-than-honorable intentions. I know well that my behavior would only end up hurting myself, but since when have I been self-aware? I’ve always put others before me, with the exception of when I feel angry and cynical.
How did a simple rant of not wanting to be married turn into a long talk of several subjects?
Can my mind wander or what?

Anyhow, what is the reward of being a good person? It’s always the hardest place to be.

Sigh~ I’m gonna die an old lonely man, aren’t I?

For those who try to be nice and say “You’ll find someone!”… Forget it! I’ve been alive for 21 years, and so far, my prospect seems grim and even more so when I think about it.

Function without Feeling

2009-11-26T23:24:18Z

I have done it... I have gotten my wish. I can no longer feel anything... Joy, sorrow, anger... they're all gone. All my senses of empathy just faded away. I can't laugh, I can't cry, I can't roar in anger... and exposing myself to a huge stream of movies proved this. Things that use to bring tears to my eyes, things that used to leave me in stitches, things that will provoke me... They're all gone. I feel empty, I feel separated.

I lost my ability to dream, I lost my ability to care, I lost my ability to adapt, I lost it all. I can't hear that voice inside me anymore. I can't see him anymore.

I'm just dead, numb to the core... What has happened to me?

I'm receiving divine punishment, aren't I?

2009-11-04T17:18:42Z

Just when you think the sun will shine again, you get struck by lightning! After what seems like a month of troubles in October, I was hoping that November would treat me more kindly... but what a fool I was. Just as November starts, I manage to get physical injuries that popped out mysteriously.

I had mysterious cuts, mysterious swelling of the right eye and my tendon on my ankle is swollen as well(which I found out was due to tendonitis). So, not a good way to start November. I missed out on swimming, gym and basketball because of my tendon and I am absolutely gutted... More than I am willing to show... since these activities are the only way I can bust my stress.

Now, to add insult to injury, I started developing rashes and bumps around my arms and my face suddenly became VERY dry up to the point of my skin turning into plastic-like flakes. The cold wind of Sunderland didn't help much with the pain... Grrr! At least I have some ibuprofen gel to fall back for localised pain now. <3

I don't mind what happens to my body because I can never explain it and being a klutz, I'm prone to hurting myself... but this latest bad event takes the cake!

I usually leave my dirty laundry under my sink because of spacing problem, and much to my dismay today... my sink was leaking and my clothes was growing blue mold. When I turned it over, it created a moldy dust and I think I might have inhaled some of it. Hence, if I died, you know what happened. I have to discard some of the underwear and socks because honestly I don't want any of them near me. I tried scrubbing off the rest from my jeans. What a nightmare! I went to send it to wash, and even after washing it smelled like mold. Sigh~

I also fixed the sink myself, because if I don't it'll be AGES before I get someone to come fix my leaky pipe. I'm lucky I got some plumbing tape with me. DIY seems to come naturally to me sometimes. Totally not my time, I'm too sick of it to deal with all this shit. I'm just gonna relax and dig into my chips and gravy. Unhealthy food to sooth this frustrated soul.

Oh, btw, can someone wake me up after this nightmare ends?

The World Darkens as It Ages

2009-10-24T03:17:33Z

There's something I've been wondering about... do we become even more prejudiced as we grow older? I'm not sure if it's the child in me who's hurt because the world just couldn't be peaceful and accepting, or the whole world IS becoming prejudiced.

I remember back in the days of my childhood... race doesn't really matter much at all. Nobody cared what colour your skin is and you can be blue in colour and people would still think that you're cool if you come with a cool personality. I was close with one of my Islamic studies teacher and learned quite a bit about Islam, despite not being one. I went for youth fellowships and learn about Christianity, only to stop because of reasons I forgotten... I think I was getting drawn deeper and deeper into the crowd and I got scared. I do not discriminate back then.

I do not even discriminate against homosexuals, and sometimes envy the fact romantic love can exist anywhere... except for me, of course. I get the worst luck when it comes to relationships of any kind. For most people, they cringe when they see two men kissing and complain that it is wrong... whereas I cringe to fit into the norms of society, but behind that, I actually feel happy for them. If I was more expressive, I would probably go "Aw... how sweet!". Though mind, it depends on the nature of the kiss.

However, fast forward into the future... I'm now 21 years old, I find the world is prejudiced and I have a few prejudices of my own. I generally do not like typical Asians because some of their behaviour are blatantly annoying(and the list of this can go a loooooong way), this may stem from the fact that I am Asian myself and I know exactly how annoying they can be. Though I think it is more to the fact that I am more comfortable with open minded people and free thinkers.

Anyway on with the list of examples, I am horribly phobic of transexuals, for reasons I cannot explain. I get racist insults from random strangers who I will categorise as "Born with dicks and no brains". The political world is filled with debates on race and sexual orientation. I hate arrogant religious fanatics... or rather, stubborn blockheads as I sometimes call them. I'm absolutely speechless when it comes to dealing with immaturity.

So, what's wrong with the world today? Do we become more partial as we age? Or was I too blind to notice it in the first place?

Probably the most hardest thing I've done

2009-10-01T02:20:08Z

I never realized that talking about Milo would invoke such powerful emotions that's more than enough to make me cry. I guess that's love, at its purest. I have and will always love that quiet white furball, and I'll forever admit it. The first day I saw him, the first time I petted him... I can still remember. He was sitting in the back seat of my Dad's Mercedes at night, we were driving home from Kuantan. I gave him lots of attention to make sure that he's fine with the car journey. That was the start of it all.

I have to admit, I didn't start off as a good master. I was terrible, often being irresponsible about my pets. However, that all came to change when I almost lost him to jaundice. I made a promise that if he recovers, I'll treat him better. I did, a lot better. I made sure he had his walkies every day, his food and a lot of play. I often sneak down in the middle of the night just to spend time with him despite knowing the fact that I have class or work in the morning. I often worry when I'm not around him. Often call back home to check on him even when I was away.

I spent a year in UK, and many a times I dreamed about him being at my heel, going anywhere I go. Then I went back for 10 days in Malaysia, spent quite a many nights with him. Sleeping on the couch didn't seem bad at all, at least it gives me instant access to see him. I could easily comfort him whenever there's a storm coming. I wake up every morning and take him out for a walk, watching him explore places curiously like young puppy(which is what he is to me). However, there were signs that Milo's no longer as young as I imagined in my mind. He had tumours forming and he is coughing occasionally. It's not very bad yet, but it's a worrying sign that I might have to say goodbye to him on the physical world sometime in the near future.

I have thought about bringing him with me to the UK and looking for a place where they allowed pets to live in, just so I can spend his last years with me. However, the realistic and more noble side of me came into play. He's no longer a puppy, he cannot endure the 13 hour journey. Having him come with me would most certainly be sending him to his grave much sooner than I wished for it. I cannot be this selfish, even though I love him more than I can ever say and do not want to be parted with him. I must part with him, for I wish for him to live his final years happily and in peace. I can't think of myself and how I feel about it, after all... it is the least I can do for him after all the wrongs that I've done.

Some higher being has been kind enough to let him live so much longer than I thought, and for that, I am forever thankful even though I am not religious. Though I may not be with him in his final years, I shall forever think of him... as he is the one who taught me how to love something so much that it hurts just to think about them and expect nothing more than companionship in return.

I admit, I will cry and a part of me may forever die. But I feel that I am truly blessed to have this opportunity to grow with him.

Now do you see why I've avoided watching Marley and Me like a plague?

Stop and Stare

2009-09-02T20:01:04Z

I'm beginning to enjoy my work more and more... up to the point that I am more than willing to not take breaks anymore... I took lunch breaks just to eat, and that's it. Am I becoming a workaholic?

I've always thought of myself as the lazy bastard who would not lift a finger to do anything, but apparently I work a lot... more than the average person. I've hidden behind the cover of saying that I'm saving up for my 2nd year and that I have what I like to call "Desperate Student Syndrome" and avoid going out for financial reasons... but yet I'm more than willing to shell out 18 pounds for an iPod Shuffle or a few books for the sake of entertainment. So, really who am I kidding?

My life nowadays mostly revolves around work, work and nothing but work. My day offs are spend lazing around or wandering aimlessly around the city center, with nothing but music to keep me company. What kind of life is that...? I'm even more boring than my parents or my siblings. Even my housemate claimed that I'm far too responsible for a 21 year old, and that I should've been more reckless and well... young!

But I suppose when you have nothing to go home to but a dark silent cold room, work would seem a lot like a trip to the theme park. Sigh~ When one comes down to it, I'm drowning in my own loneliness and it is mostly my own doing. I wouldn't let anyone into my life, and that's the price I have to pay. After all, who actually looks forward to getting drowned in prescriptions? I do, and abnormal behaviour usually underlies reasons. I would have to go with loneliness.

After all, who do I come home to? Milo? He's million of miles away. Max? Deader than a doornail. My girlfriend? Non-existent. So my life has this big void that most people my age take for granted. The grass is greener on the other side, eh? Hah...!

I'm the complete opposite of Liverpool FC's motto, and more to Tarja Turunen's song. I walk alone. So, I guess this man has to go back to that dark silent cold room, stop and stare at this blank ceiling... hoping that tomorrow is a better day. After all, you can bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun, right?

Sometimes, you cannot appreciate what you've got until you lost it, I suppose.

What is it with me and dreams?!

2009-08-24T22:06:04Z

If anyone of you had heard me in Facebook saying "Nightmares and cold mornings... not a good combination..." two days ago. Yes, I had a nightmare, and it had something to do with my parents. I shrugged it off as something silly was going on with my head, but I've haven't gotten nightmares for quite some time and I don't get nightmares when I'm happy.

I don't quite remember much anymore about that nightmare anymore, but I remember that it was horrifying and woke me up.

Today morning, Bro #2 messaged me on Facebook that Dad's in the hospital, and he had problems two days ago. I don't like to think that my dreams are special, but why is it when I have odd dreams, it usually means that something WILL happen in relation to that dream. I once dreamed that my sister was attacked by a tiger, and it was the day she babysat Bubbles. I dreamed that Lucky disintergrated before me, he died the day after. I dreamed that my sister's pet bird, Feathers, was mauled by pigeons... and the bird died the day after. There are plenty of bizarre occurrences that I dreamed about that make me feel afraid of my ability to dream. But how is it bizarre? The dream tells me something, and I usually don't get it until something happens and makes me think "Hang on, I had a dream of this!".

They're probably coincidences, but my chances with probability just seemed too good to be true(or rather, I probably wouldn't want them to be true anyway). Also, I'm a victim of many deja vu-s. So what is it with me and dreams?

The Smile that Eclipses a Troubled Heart

2009-08-06T21:23:36Z

This isn't a emo post, don't worry about reading this.

I've been working for 3 weeks now, and I enjoyed it. I meet great people at work, and I get along well with them(which makes them great in my personal opinion). Compared to my previous work experiences, this work isn't as stressful and I actually showed some workaholic tendencies is proof that I actually like this job. What's even more funny is that I'm actually paid so much more than my previous work with less working hours.

Most of my workmates are surprised that I'm actually from Malaysia because the previous Malaysians they had don't talk the way I do and they tend to keep to themselves mostly. Now I see why most of my seniors didn't enjoy working there, whereas I did. Most of them(my workmates) thought either I lived in England all my life or I'm from America because of my slight American twang. To top it off, my "Happy chappy, but robotically polite" ways have earned me some popularity and probably some reputation that I'm better off without... such as coming off slightly gay.

I have to practice looking at people when I talk to them because I tend to not look at people when I talk to them... which is very rude I know, but I cannot help it with my shattered self confidence. I am afraid of looking at people in fear of what they think of me, a silly thing but it's what happens when you have your self confidence and self worth shattered and stomped on.

Lately, I've also been living slightly unhealthily with sweets everyday which is rare for me, but I do it when I see them on reduced. Been living off reduced items and working overtime to maximize my earnings, so I will have a better 2nd year, and that I don't have to trouble my parents with any more burden than necessary. It is my first few steps of independence, and I'm taking the chance. Does that make me a go-getter, I wonder?

Another new update with my life is that I've been listening to Whitney Houston again after hearing her song "I Have Nothing" from the radio. That song has been stuck in my head since, and latest news says she's making a comeback. Hopefully it's good because she has a mighty voice and I loved quite a lot of songs from her.

My latest trouble, other than having moment of weaknesses because I keep thinking that I lead a pathetic and lonely life, is that I'm being haunted by bad dreams again. My 'demon side' has appeared again. The one that appeared when I had a fever many years ago, that he will take over me and become me. I kept dreaming that he attempted to take over me again, and I've been fighting him off with my will power to maintain control. I dreamed that I hurt everyone I cared about, and they ran away when they see me in disgust of the beast that I've become. My demon side has become even more detailed than before. Last time he appeared as a claw behind purple cloudy apparitions, but this time, he physically transforms me into a weretiger demon thing, complete with pointy ears, fangs and stripes. I know because I glanced at a mirror in my dream. I feel a slight irony that my wereform is feline(Tiger) than canine(Wolf), and according to the belief in zodiac readings, the Tiger conflicts with the Dragon. So, there should be a hidden meaning behind this.

Does anybody know the art of dream interpretation? I know this dream must mean something because it's recurring. Something is troubling me, and I want to know what so I can fix it... if I can.

Don't Mind Me

2009-07-29T20:18:52Z

Have you ever sit down one day, and you realize that the silence that you are living with actually scares you? I don't know about anyone, but my life has been fine so far with a few dramas in between, and I am better off than most people. I've met quite a lot of interesting people and I'm very happy to have met them, and I thank whatever that I hold holy that they've touched my life. But there is just one thing missing in my life... and, that's me.

I know that this loneliness that I am cursed with is only my own doing, and many aeons ago, I've said that a certain song sound like it's singing about me... Remember that I once wrote this title of the song? 一个人生活，which literally translate to "One person's life" or to make more sense "Living life alone". The song would've made more sense about me if it wasn't singing about losing someone. I haven't lost anyone before, because there was no one there in the first place.

This silence is slowly killing me, I can tell. The phone never rings, nobody ever texts me, nobody ever messages me. I'm alone in this world, and this is one of the things I wished for back in my teenage years. I know some people are going to say "Be careful what you wished for" and I do know that phrase all too well, but can't a man express his sorrows? I've not got a tear to shed for self-pity, but grant me this moment to wallow in my own weariness. I am only human, I am capable of emotions.

"A life in the absence of human affection is a life not worth living at all"

And I held that idea true, and being the idealist that I am, I've long to wake up next to the person I love. I kept telling myself that the day will come, but I'm really tired of it all. I've yet to meet someone who shot me out of the sky and I doubt I ever will. Most people who know me would think that I really should get out more and be a little bit more daring. Yes, I agree to that notion as well, but changing yourself is a scary thought and not many are able to achieve change.

I know I am holding back, I instinctively sacrifice affection for certainty. There's an inner uncertainty within me that scares me, so much that I dare not hold onto anyone in fear of hurting them. Or perhaps, there is an inner certainty within myself that I know too well, which I am consciously making an effort trying to deny them, all in favor of having the world accept the me that I present to them instead of the one I really am and saving myself the from hurt that will be inevitable. The more I think about it, it is most probably the latter.

Humans are living organisms, and survival is our most basic instinct. Hence, I do not think my reasons for holding back on affection are that noble, my logical sense tells me.

I wonder whatever reasons my brain will conjure up next to justify my loneliness... cause I don't know what's real in my mind anymore.

Questioning Humanity

2009-06-14T03:43:13Z

I wrote an entire entry, and I decided not to show the world. But in short, if I am human, why do I always feel like a machine? Functional, but empty.

"Daddy, will you hold my hand...?"

2009-05-30T23:07:19Z

I had a strange dream yesterday, after having chavs and little kids stealing footballs right under my nose. So, two footballs were missing yesterday, stolen by football deprived kids of Sunderland. Bless their hearts! May they be forever trapped in an inescapable vortex of despair and false happiness, unless they repent. :)

I've been dreaming a lot, hence the fatigue I've been having despite sleeping double the usual time I do during uni term time. 8 hours and I'm still tired as heck. I don't usually remember my dreams, but today when I saw a parent holding his kid to cross a street, a deja vu hit me. I felt like I've been in that position. Then, I started to remember that dream.

Here's what I remembered:

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I was walking towards the city center and at the traffic lights where I was standing when I remembered, there was a tug on my hand. I looked down and there was this little boy around 6 years old looking up at me with those eyes... you know how kids look at you. I was somewhat frightened, because I openly admit I am scared of kids. However, I smiled and knelt down on one knee, put my hands on his shoulder saying, "Hey little man, what's going on?". I was trying my best to be friendly and not show any sign of fear or disgust. This kid suddenly hugged me and called "Daddy! I'm scared..."

'DADDY?!' My mind echoed loudly. "Of what, kiddo?" I asked gently, trying to be as comforting as I can. "What if I'm not good enough?" He said, shakingly. I released him lightly and held him by the shoulders firmly, looking straight into his eyes... He has hazel eyes...? Wait, my kid doesn't even look Chinese! He looks like he's of mixed heritage, but mix of what I don't know. I don't think I'm his biological father, but it's either that or I have some whacked up genes.

"Okay, Sport! What's your name?" I said, trying to sound encouraging, not like I'm interrogating him, mind you. "... Wolf Ming Xuan Lee" He said it accurately, down right to the Chinese pronounciation. Knowing me, this would be the kind of names I'd give my kids... So, this IS my kid! *smack forehead* Probably adopted?

"Right, and you know why I gave you the name Wolf? Because I want you... no, I know you can grow up to be the person who isn't afraid of taking a chance. All you need is to believe in yourself, right here!" I said, albeit spontaneously, pointing at his chest where his heart is. "Aye?" I continued with a reassuring smile, looking at his hesitant face.

"Aye, Captain!" His face brightened up immediately. "Arrr, ye scrawny bugger, let's get you there and make them walk thee plank! Arr!" I said in my best attempt to mimic a pirate's voice, lifting him up to sit on my shoulders. "What say ye?" I continued. He laughed, pointed forward and commanded "Onward!". "Yessir!" I replied, changing my voice from a pirate to a soldier.

Finally, I remembered somewhere along the way, when I put him down, he whispered quietly to me, "Daddy, will you hold my hand?". He still look nervous, but when I gently squeezed his hand and reassuringly said "You can do this, Sport! Do your best!", he regained his confidence. But, then I couldn't remember anything that happened after that.

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Boy, now that I remembered what happened, I couldn't have been more proud of my kid even if he was imaginary. Funny how I never asked "Where's mummy?", I would like to know who became my wife or am I a single parent? Whether I adopted him or he is my own? But, regardless, I would be proud of the kid if he was real. Thinking back, I don't think I'd make that horrible a father as I led myself to believe.

Leo, Leo, Leo... You're only 21 and still in university, and yet you're dreaming about fatherhood?! No wonder you feel old!

Sense of Bliss and Sense of Impending Doom

2009-04-23T00:27:16Z

I usually write unhappy and sad things here... and ever since coming to England, I hardly wrote anything here because I am happy. Everything in life just feels great right now. I haven't felt this way for so long that I thought I could never ever be happy again. I guess my creativity flows with my negative emotions.

I always admitted that I use my journal as a place to vent out these pent up frustrations that I keep in myself. It just feels good to talk about your problems and with such a selected group of viewers, I don't have to feel scared to share what and how I feel.

Okay, short note mentioned... now back to work. Exams... sigh~

The feeling where you lost everything in a blink of an eye

2009-03-10T05:34:58Z

My external hard drive just died and there is probably no way for me to get it back ever again. As if that Windows dying wasn't enough of a blow to me, now I have to lose EVERYTHING I have ever worked on. My pictures, my songs, my writings, my works, my journal entries(those that I didn't post on LJ), my notes, my high school memories, my movies... Life is not working out well...

You know, I'm so dependent on my external hard drive to store my stuff and poof! Half of my life is gone! It's like that accident that left me without any memories of my childhood. I've been punished by technology, and the price I pay is my memories and my hard work. This just sucks, big time.

I'm in despair at the moment, and I am so frustrated because one of the notes I lost is what I need to complete my lab report. Now it's gone like it never existed.

But, Leo, why didn't you act smart and store everything in your computer? Because it DIED on me ONCE, that's FREAKIN' WHY! WHY DO YOU THINK I'M ON LINUX?! I ALMOST LOST EVERYTHING AND I MANAGE TO RECOVER IT BECAUSE I KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT COMPUTERS!!! Now look where that got me...

Sigh~ Et tu, Ext HDD? Now, I'm cornered to limited space in my computer AND I'm too poor to buy another external hard drive. This is just not my day... Surprisingly, I'm not in tears, in rage or anything extreme. I just feel rather hollow at the moment, probably because I know that losing them don't mean too much to me... whereas if I ever lose Milo, a part of me will die permanently.

Excuse me, while I drown my sorrow with a mountain of work that I have to redo...

Tagged by Ash, and Being the Lifeless Twat I am...

2009-03-07T05:00:19Z

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blog and replace any question that they dislike with a new, original question.
B) ~~Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you.~~ Tag as many or as few as you like.

1) Make a list of 5 things you can see without getting up:
Smoke detector on the ceiling(Can't see much without my glasses)
My clothes that are hanging to dry
My laptop
My transparent plastic file featuring a drawing of a naked siren and a naked mermaid (Oh shush!)
A jar of jellybeans

2) What is the last movie you watched?
Confessions of a Shopaholic(As well, I didn't quite like it all that much to be honest)

3. What are you wearing now?
Just my track pants

4. What's your occupation?
Pharmacy Student aka Legal and Educated Drug Dealers-to-be

5. The best thing to happen to you as of late?
Having my birthday proclaimed as St. Leo's day. (Sorry, I'm easy to please)

6. What is one word you would use to describe yourself?
Honest

7. What book(s) are you currently reading?
*sigh* Organic Chemistry by Paula Y. Bruice, tons of journals and my lecture notes...

8. What was the last thing you ate today?
Honey Mustard Roast Chicken and Curry Pasta soup

9. What is one of your favourite scents for perfume or body spray?
Davidoff Silver Shadow (The best one I have, and courtesy of my sister!)

10. What websites do you always visit when you go online?
Facebook, Gmail, Youtube, Hotmail, Wikipedia, University of Sunderland sites, random comic sites

11. What was the last thing you bought?
1 Iced split, 1 Fudge donut and 4 jumbo sausage rolls from Greggs

12. What are you listening to right now?
N-Dubz - Strong Again

13. What do you think about before you go to bed at night?
Everything including the kitchen sink

14. What was the last CD you bought?
Blanks

15. What is your favourite weather, and why?
Monsoon rains because there's no chance of getting fried from lightning and there's lots of water to play with. If only there were hot chicks in white T-shirts to join me...

16. What should you be doing right now that you’re not doing?
I should complete the mountain of work I have piled up on my desk, but instead I'm on Livejournal writing this meme out of my own choice.

17. If you could develop a new talent effortlessly, what would it be?
Superpowers! Nah, just kidding. I would choose musical talents, specifically playing instruments or dancing.

18. Name a good quality that one of your friends possesses.
Companionship, if that counts. If that doesn't count, I would say humour.

19. What's one of your favourite activities?
Taking walks, I'm very much like a dog in that sense. I enjoy my walkies and exploring(and luckily I answer my nature calls in the toilet only). The only restricting factor is the risks involved in walking alone(mugged, raped, assaulted, getting lost). I bet you were expecting me to say cooking, drawing or sleeping, weren't cha? :P

Cranky Crunch

2009-02-06T19:03:53Z

I woke up to a backache today, had to skip morning lectures because it hurts so bad. My mouse cause me to lose my whole entry in which I poured out my heart's content about a void in my life that is still not filled. Restless sleep for a few weeks. Hence, I'm one cranky bastard at the moment.

These Scars Never Healed

2009-02-02T00:33:22Z

I have a lot of scars on my body, and they're not from battle or any major operation. I've been clumsy all my life, and that was the result of being clumsy. I lost count the number of times I bashed my head against something hard (e.g walls, floors, basketballs, stairs), cut/chopped/burned/stabbed myself and the number of times I got hit by something that was beyond my control (e.g glass, chairs, bicycle, cars). While they seem like ancient history now, but I have to admit that eventually these injuries will come back to haunt me. I suppose I would probably be disabled when I'm 60 because of all the injuries I ever sustained... if I lived that long.

Just recalling the accident cause me to flinch in pain. It even worse when something rough touches my scars. Today, I accidentally scraped the bicycle scar on my right calf on the printer box. I flinched for a bit, and suddenly I have this sensation that I was bleeding and it hurts. I thought "Oh crap, please don't tell me..." and when I look at it... It's perfectly fine! I still feel like it's bleeding at the moment, but I know it isn't.

Phantom bleeding? If that term ever existed. I don't know how long I have this scar. 10-13 years? I remember a little fragment of time... I think it was 13 years ago, when Bro #1 was addicted to X-COM: Terror of the Deep. I remember that a week or so after, I had nightmares of the game... that brainy parasitic creature, Tentaculat. I'm quite positive that it was 13 years ago.

13 years and my body still remembers the pain and sensation. It got better in time, that's for sure. However, these scars never did heal. I wonder, does it ever get to the point that you look at it and think "How did I get this?" and it doesn't hurt anymore?

Wishes on a Star

2009-01-25T04:36:01Z

There are a few things that I sometimes loathe myself for, but I never really fix them because of obligations that I have held.

Sometimes, I wished that I had someone to share my world with, but I have made a promise that I would never let myself fall in love until I have fully established myself. Hence, I do not actively go out and search for people that I could fall in love with. But, Leo, doesn't love comes naturally? Then, I do not know. I have admitted today that I might have a very high standard for people I find attractive because people who are considered super hot like Jessica Alba, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie or Channing Tatum are considered "Uhm, yeah..." in my book. Perhaps, I'm just a freak that has a permanent screw loose somewhere in my head because I am already in adulthood and I'm... acting abnormally to some extent.

I also wished that I was better in physical activities. I'm a poor sportsman, and a lousy dancer. I have never played sports in my entire life, and now I've come to regret that I've never given myself the balance, or the chance. I've always wanted to be able to dance and have a sport that I actually know how to play well. But, I don't... regrettably. There's classes, I know, but I'm just too broke for it.

I'm not financially well off, so I decided to really get a job. But it's just so hard to get one, and I really need to bear with the crudeness and ask people if they know a job I can get. I just asked Mom for money for my rent and tuition fees, and let's just say I wish I hadn't asked because I now feel guilty as heck. So, time to cut down on my spendings and get a job. I'm probably gonna end up with a job like a janitor or something, but something is better than nothing. I don't mind the low pay, but as long as it is not long hours and as long as I do get paid.

One last thing I lament before I go to sleep is that I wished I actually had some talent in music. I can't play any instrument to save my life, and I find this depressing. I know I could if I spent more time practicing, but honestly, with my attention span... I'll be lucky if I can get 20 minutes of practice through.

Sigh... I guess I can't be perfect in everything. Excuse me while I sleep in my bed because I am truly tired and I do not feel any more festive than I did last week even though it is Chinese New Year's eve.

Be Still, My Heart

2009-01-21T00:53:31Z

If you think I'm in love because of the title, you're ABSOLUTELY... wrong! :P

For the past few days, my heart seems to beat rather quickly by itself and it left me in a moment of anxiety. Not the extreme anxiety where you want scream, shout and cry like a madman but I have this feeling where I must rush through everything and urgently. Sometimes, I feel rather uncomfortable and restless instead. It's not a good feeling, I can tell you that but I cannot explain it exactly. Adrenaline rush at the wrong time?

I know I haven't been writing my journals like a good little boy because my life is pretty much occupied with daily chores, studies and activities. I lack the time to even sleep, let alone blog. So, forgive me for disappearing for so long.

Anyways, I have never told anyone this because I do not want anyone to worry about me. But, since it's becoming more and more often, I really must write it down in case I keel over from it. It's probably nothing serious, but I do want to express some concerns about it.

I've been suffering from episodes of blacking out momentarily. I think it means feeling faint, but I'm not sure... I have these episodes of blacking out where all my sensory abilities are wiped out. I am still aware, but my vision, my hearing, my sense of smell and my sense of touch becomes totally void. Like I succumbed into a detached reality that is only darkness, and I am alone in it. It is because I am still aware, I can still maintain a standing posture by actively willing for it.

I probably need to go see a doctor about my heart, because despite the fact that I have a morally good heart... I'm not so sure about it physically, considering that I haven't been very kind to it. I spent 20 years not exercising and stuffing my face with a diet filled with meat.
Now that I'm turning 21, I'm going to start taking much better care of myself. I live by the philosophy that if I am to die in such a short life, I might as well make the most of it.

In the past, I lived by that philosophy in a different perspective. However, I realized that the joy I attained from snacks and pure laziness is just short-lived. So, now that I have truly began to live, I hope my world don't suddenly come crashing down on me because that definitely sucks.

Though I don't really believe in the prediction that I am to die on 2012, but I do think that prediction changed me. Sure, I initially lost hope and was placed in a state of fear that if the prediction is true, what am I doing in pharmacy? Since I won't live to graduate? However, after 2 days, I begin to see how much there is more to life that I was missing. I know I've been saying this many times before, and I never actually did anything about it because my subconscious was holding me back.

That prediction probably gone straight into my brain and my brain responded with, "Right, if I'm going to die soon, I might as well make every living day a great day!". Hence the reason why I don't bear lasting hatred on things I cannot control and I actually started living a little more. Everyday should be enjoyed. *nods*

I definitely became much more peaceful and appreciative, despite having a rather quick heart. If that's not possible since I am already docile as it is, I daresay it happened! What is death to fear than a life poorly lived?

You know, I find it amusing that the Mayans predicted that the world will reset/end in 2012 and that I am to die on 2012. Perhaps I shall be the next messiah and be revived to be the savior of man? Guess not, since I'm not from Israel, I'm not white(like most Jesus depictions), nor am I Christian. Plus, I lack the healing touch and the ability to turn water to wine, much less the ability to walk on it. Too many errors to be fixed before I can qualify as the next messiah. Perhaps I should try achieving nirvana?

Putting My Life Back Together

2009-01-07T16:35:44Z

Been silent for so long online. Was it because I have nothing to say? No, I have loads to say, but I just don't know how to say it. I just went south for Winter(break), and I had the time of my life. Perhaps I use "had the time of my life" a little too much that it became overused? Well, I can't help being easily satisfied.

I just compared a photo I took the last time I went to Newcastle and one I just took recently. I must say there is a noticeable difference. I'm no hunk, but I look better now. In fact, I FEEL better now.

Since I've seen the effect of taking control of my life, I'm going to start a few long term resolutions:

1) Get fit - Losing weight isn't my target, I just want to feel good and look good! Preferably have a moderately muscular build.
2) Start looking after myself a bit more - Sounds gay or vain, I know. But I look like a recently awakened old coot since puberty, might want to start looking better now. I'm young, it's probably time to LOOK young.
3) Start wearing contacts - I noticed that wearing glasses most of the time can be bothersome, especially when you're doing lab work and going out to have fun. While glasses are great when you're feeling lazy, but they are not practical at times.
4) Strive to pass my exams - I noticed that most people think I'm a neek (nerd+geek), because they never seen me out in the clubs, I participate in lecture questionings, and I have this annoying tendency to know how to do things. I might want to maintain that.
5) Get a part-time job - This won't be easy, but I have to regardless. With so many people getting laid off, it will be a challenge to get a job. I need a job, mainly because I cannot afford my uni books and some other luxuries in life. T.T
6) Participate in charity - I like helping people, but I don't think donating money would be of any help since only 5% of that goes to those who really need it anyway.
7) Build a social life - I'm viewed as the type of person who sits in his room all day studying or doing nerdy stuff. That doesn't help with my social life, because I do need friends if I'm going to get through uni. But, I suppose, being broke. I don't have much of an option. T.T

It won't happen overnight, but these are what I'm going to do for now. As motivational books go, I CAN DO IT! MUAHAHAHAHA and HA!

The Heart I once Had

2008-12-18T04:41:48Z

I'm feeling a little exhausted right now, and not to mention I have loads to do. It's Christmas time, and I know I don't usually write happy stuff... forgive me. I seem to have reverted back to the personality that was me before the events that changed me in 2005. A happy awkward shy guy, who most people find rather friendly and approachable. While I'm not a social butterfly, most people who do talk to me seem to find me to be a nice guy with eccentric impulses. A 180 degree turn? Well, probably 90.

Not all is smooth sailing for me, I think I did crap for my Formulation test and my Chemistry test. I might need to work extra hard, but I do need a few days off, and Christmas break is just the time. XD

Lately, I can't seem to do things wholeheartedly... which isn't much of a surprise, to be honest. I have this cycle of being focused, and then easily distracted, and back to being focused again. I need to find my drive again, cause I need it to get on with this test.

Oh yes, I lost loads of weight. 17 kg since I came here. I now weigh 93 kg, my long term target is 70 kg. I lost most of my gut and my pants are slipping off me arse. All of my clothes no longer fit me the way they used to. I now look like a hermit crab with the wrong shell. Perhaps time to get some proper clothes. I wonder if I could get some clothes in Lincoln... like post Christmas sales or some sort. I need some work clothes that look presentable... and a good haircut since my hair is long enough to accumulate static electricity that caused visible sparks whenever I touch metal or people. XP

I never thought that I would have to start shopping... for clothes... Perhaps 2dimensional could help me, since I have zero fashion sense.

Stress makes you do funny things.

2008-12-14T17:15:43Z

I've been studying for chemistry, and I must say thermodynamics caused me to get a little frustrated with all the equations and stuff. So, out of the blue, my brain started making poems. It seems like my emo-ness still isn't all gone yet. However, mind, I am not depressed when I wrote this, though I really wish I was out there having fun for a change instead of looking at books every single bloody day! Anyway, here's what I came up with:

I peer out my window, glancing upon the world,
I see people playing, I see a snow covered land,
With a sigh, I longingly gazed into this world,
In my life, once upon a time in Sunderland

Gazing with my eyes brown so blue,
Oh, I wish that I may, I wish that I might,
But no wishes of mine will come true,
No matter bright the star shines the night

This is but a fantasy for one so shy,
For even if I want to be the next fly guy,
I will not allow myself to even try,
For I do not want to make my mother cry

Dreaming away while not asleep, but awake,
Dreaming of another me who is different,
What is wrong with me for heaven sake?
I am usually the one who is impossibly ardent

I turned around and scanned my personal space,
Oh yes, that’s right, I am missing something,
Perhaps a social life in some happening place?
Yes, but that is not what I should be thinking

Time to go, time to say sayonara,
I need to get back to my book,
Perhaps later make some carbonara,
To make sure I’m still a good cook.

My poetry skills used to be a lot better... lack of use robbed me once again!!!

One Word: Self-sustenance

2008-11-09T04:19:33Z

I have decided that I might look for a job to sustain myself. Something part-time that allow me to work during weekends.

Dramah

2008-10-25T02:28:22Z

I heard from Bro #2 that our second maternal uncle has prostate cancer. Mom and Dad are going to KL to see him. I can see my mother in tears, since Mom's always been sentimental. Also, I realized that many things have been happening in my life, but I couldn't write anything more than a paragraph?

Aspire Inspire

2008-10-16T22:36:56Z

It's probably too early to make a judgment right now, but the more I go to pharmacy class, the more I think that it is the life I want to lead for the rest of my life. At least, in the UK, that is. The things that pharmacists do here is amazing, unlike what I imagined a pharmacist's life would be. When you're in Malaysia, whenever you hear the word 'pharmacist', people would think medicine compounding, dispensing and a profession that would earn a lot of money.

However, from what I learn in pharmacy practice, it is projecting the kind of life I want to lead. A health care practitioner that place the patient's care first, and it is forever changing to the times. If I have to put it in an analogy, I might say that pharmacy is like having children, a lot of responsibility, exhausting and very demanding, but in the end, you feel satisfied of what you are doing and you learn something new everyday.

I just heard about independent prescribing pharmacy, and I now aspire to become one. However, it is a postgraduate course and it is highly doubtful that my parents are going to let me do it. But, if I go through with it, I can diagnose and prescribe drugs to a limited extent as well as having an arsenal of drug knowledge. It's not a doctor's job, but it is the closest thing.

I'm in pharmacy to help, I'm not in it for the money. So, I hope I could do it someday.

Enthusiastic Ball of Air

2008-10-16T01:03:15Z

To a little extent, I might say that I am very enthusiastic in my class. However, I am not the most brilliant lad there is. It's no big deal, but it hurts my pride. I always pride myself with a good head on my shoulders, but lately that impression is fading. Perhaps it is because I left STPM for 9 months and I forgotten almost everything? Yes, that part of it. However, what about the others?

I know that comparing with other people will only make me feel worse, but the perfectionist part of me wants to be the best there is. Who knows when there IS a perfectionist side of me, but seriously, it's the side that is pushing me to the library in the darkness of night. I spend on an average 3 hours in the library every night. Everyone is saying "Wow, you're hardworking for a first year! Chill out! Let's go hit the pubs!" but, seriously, if I am NOT hardworking, I would've died in class.

Everything seems so alien, and interesting. Probably that's the reason that kept me enthusiastic. I like to learn... but, it seems like everything I learn here is something I have learned before. It's like I've been given a clean slate, and I have to learn everything again.

Sigh~ I feel like I'm missing my brain, has anyone seen it? Because without my brain, I feel like I'm nothing more than an enthusiastic ball of air that likes to learn but never seems to remember anything. Maybe I'm still confused. I'm kind of hoping for the latter.