I've been dreaming a lot, hence the fatigue I've been having despite sleeping double the usual time I do during uni term time. 8 hours and I'm still tired as heck. I don't usually remember my dreams, but today when I saw a parent holding his kid to cross a street, a deja vu hit me. I felt like I've been in that position. Then, I started to remember that dream.
Here's what I remembered:
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I was walking towards the city center and at the traffic lights where I was standing when I remembered, there was a tug on my hand. I looked down and there was this little boy around 6 years old looking up at me with those eyes... you know how kids look at you. I was somewhat frightened, because I openly admit I am scared of kids. However, I smiled and knelt down on one knee, put my hands on his shoulder saying, "Hey little man, what's going on?". I was trying my best to be friendly and not show any sign of fear or disgust. This kid suddenly hugged me and called "Daddy! I'm scared..."
'DADDY?!' My mind echoed loudly. "Of what, kiddo?" I asked gently, trying to be as comforting as I can. "What if I'm not good enough?" He said, shakingly. I released him lightly and held him by the shoulders firmly, looking straight into his eyes... He has hazel eyes...? Wait, my kid doesn't even look Chinese! He looks like he's of mixed heritage, but mix of what I don't know. I don't think I'm his biological father, but it's either that or I have some whacked up genes.
"Okay, Sport! What's your name?" I said, trying to sound encouraging, not like I'm interrogating him, mind you. "... Wolf Ming Xuan Lee" He said it accurately, down right to the Chinese pronounciation. Knowing me, this would be the kind of names I'd give my kids... So, this IS my kid! *smack forehead* Probably adopted?
"Right, and you know why I gave you the name Wolf? Because I want you... no, I know you can grow up to be the person who isn't afraid of taking a chance. All you need is to believe in yourself, right here!" I said, albeit spontaneously, pointing at his chest where his heart is. "Aye?" I continued with a reassuring smile, looking at his hesitant face.
"Aye, Captain!" His face brightened up immediately. "Arrr, ye scrawny bugger, let's get you there and make them walk thee plank! Arr!" I said in my best attempt to mimic a pirate's voice, lifting him up to sit on my shoulders. "What say ye?" I continued. He laughed, pointed forward and commanded "Onward!". "Yessir!" I replied, changing my voice from a pirate to a soldier.
Finally, I remembered somewhere along the way, when I put him down, he whispered quietly to me, "Daddy, will you hold my hand?". He still look nervous, but when I gently squeezed his hand and reassuringly said "You can do this, Sport! Do your best!", he regained his confidence. But, then I couldn't remember anything that happened after that.
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Boy, now that I remembered what happened, I couldn't have been more proud of my kid even if he was imaginary. Funny how I never asked "Where's mummy?", I would like to know who became my wife or am I a single parent? Whether I adopted him or he is my own? But, regardless, I would be proud of the kid if he was real. Thinking back, I don't think I'd make that horrible a father as I led myself to believe.
Leo, Leo, Leo... You're only 21 and still in university, and yet you're dreaming about fatherhood?! No wonder you feel old!
I always admitted that I use my journal as a place to vent out these pent up frustrations that I keep in myself. It just feels good to talk about your problems and with such a selected group of viewers, I don't have to feel scared to share what and how I feel.
Okay, short note mentioned... now back to work. Exams... sigh~
You know, I'm so dependent on my external hard drive to store my stuff and poof! Half of my life is gone! It's like that accident that left me without any memories of my childhood. I've been punished by technology, and the price I pay is my memories and my hard work. This just sucks, big time.
I'm in despair at the moment, and I am so frustrated because one of the notes I lost is what I need to complete my lab report. Now it's gone like it never existed.
But, Leo, why didn't you act smart and store everything in your computer? Because it DIED on me ONCE, that's FREAKIN' WHY! WHY DO YOU THINK I'M ON LINUX?! I ALMOST LOST EVERYTHING AND I MANAGE TO RECOVER IT BECAUSE I KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT COMPUTERS!!! Now look where that got me...
Sigh~ Et tu, Ext HDD? Now, I'm cornered to limited space in my computer AND I'm too poor to buy another external hard drive. This is just not my day... Surprisingly, I'm not in tears, in rage or anything extreme. I just feel rather hollow at the moment, probably because I know that losing them don't mean too much to me... whereas if I ever lose Milo, a part of me will die permanently.
Excuse me, while I drown my sorrow with a mountain of work that I have to redo...
B)
1) Make a list of 5 things you can see without getting up:
Smoke detector on the ceiling(Can't see much without my glasses)
My clothes that are hanging to dry
My laptop
My transparent plastic file featuring a drawing of a naked siren and a naked mermaid (Oh shush!)
A jar of jellybeans
2) What is the last movie you watched?
Confessions of a Shopaholic(As well, I didn't quite like it all that much to be honest)
3. What are you wearing now?
Just my track pants
4. What's your occupation?
Pharmacy Student aka Legal and Educated Drug Dealers-to-be
5. The best thing to happen to you as of late?
Having my birthday proclaimed as St. Leo's day. (Sorry, I'm easy to please)
6. What is one word you would use to describe yourself?
Honest
7. What book(s) are you currently reading?
*sigh* Organic Chemistry by Paula Y. Bruice, tons of journals and my lecture notes...
8. What was the last thing you ate today?
Honey Mustard Roast Chicken and Curry Pasta soup
9. What is one of your favourite scents for perfume or body spray?
Davidoff Silver Shadow (The best one I have, and courtesy of my sister!)
10. What websites do you always visit when you go online?
Facebook, Gmail, Youtube, Hotmail, Wikipedia, University of Sunderland sites, random comic sites
11. What was the last thing you bought?
1 Iced split, 1 Fudge donut and 4 jumbo sausage rolls from Greggs
12. What are you listening to right now?
N-Dubz - Strong Again
13. What do you think about before you go to bed at night?
Everything including the kitchen sink
14. What was the last CD you bought?
Blanks
15. What is your favourite weather, and why?
Monsoon rains because there's no chance of getting fried from lightning and there's lots of water to play with. If only there were hot chicks in white T-shirts to join me...
16. What should you be doing right now that you’re not doing?
I should complete the mountain of work I have piled up on my desk, but instead I'm on Livejournal writing this meme out of my own choice.
17. If you could develop a new talent effortlessly, what would it be?
Superpowers! Nah, just kidding. I would choose musical talents, specifically playing instruments or dancing.
18. Name a good quality that one of your friends possesses.
Companionship, if that counts. If that doesn't count, I would say humour.
19. What's one of your favourite activities?
Taking walks, I'm very much like a dog in that sense. I enjoy my walkies and exploring(and luckily I answer my nature calls in the toilet only). The only restricting factor is the risks involved in walking alone(mugged, raped, assaulted, getting lost). I bet you were expecting me to say cooking, drawing or sleeping, weren't cha? :P
Just recalling the accident cause me to flinch in pain. It even worse when something rough touches my scars. Today, I accidentally scraped the bicycle scar on my right calf on the printer box. I flinched for a bit, and suddenly I have this sensation that I was bleeding and it hurts. I thought "Oh crap, please don't tell me..." and when I look at it... It's perfectly fine! I still feel like it's bleeding at the moment, but I know it isn't.
Phantom bleeding? If that term ever existed. I don't know how long I have this scar. 10-13 years? I remember a little fragment of time... I think it was 13 years ago, when Bro #1 was addicted to X-COM: Terror of the Deep. I remember that a week or so after, I had nightmares of the game... that brainy parasitic creature, Tentaculat. I'm quite positive that it was 13 years ago.
13 years and my body still remembers the pain and sensation. It got better in time, that's for sure. However, these scars never did heal. I wonder, does it ever get to the point that you look at it and think "How did I get this?" and it doesn't hurt anymore?
Sometimes, I wished that I had someone to share my world with, but I have made a promise that I would never let myself fall in love until I have fully established myself. Hence, I do not actively go out and search for people that I could fall in love with. But, Leo, doesn't love comes naturally? Then, I do not know. I have admitted today that I might have a very high standard for people I find attractive because people who are considered super hot like Jessica Alba, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie or Channing Tatum are considered "Uhm, yeah..." in my book. Perhaps, I'm just a freak that has a permanent screw loose somewhere in my head because I am already in adulthood and I'm... acting abnormally to some extent.
I also wished that I was better in physical activities. I'm a poor sportsman, and a lousy dancer. I have never played sports in my entire life, and now I've come to regret that I've never given myself the balance, or the chance. I've always wanted to be able to dance and have a sport that I actually know how to play well. But, I don't... regrettably. There's classes, I know, but I'm just too broke for it.
I'm not financially well off, so I decided to really get a job. But it's just so hard to get one, and I really need to bear with the crudeness and ask people if they know a job I can get. I just asked Mom for money for my rent and tuition fees, and let's just say I wish I hadn't asked because I now feel guilty as heck. So, time to cut down on my spendings and get a job. I'm probably gonna end up with a job like a janitor or something, but something is better than nothing. I don't mind the low pay, but as long as it is not long hours and as long as I do get paid.
Sigh... I guess I can't be perfect in everything. Excuse me while I sleep in my bed because I am truly tired and I do not feel any more festive than I did last week even though it is Chinese New Year's eve.
For the past few days, my heart seems to beat rather quickly by itself and it left me in a moment of anxiety. Not the extreme anxiety where you want scream, shout and cry like a madman but I have this feeling where I must rush through everything and urgently. Sometimes, I feel rather uncomfortable and restless instead. It's not a good feeling, I can tell you that but I cannot explain it exactly. Adrenaline rush at the wrong time?
I know I haven't been writing my journals like a good little boy because my life is pretty much occupied with daily chores, studies and activities. I lack the time to even sleep, let alone blog. So, forgive me for disappearing for so long.
Anyways, I have never told anyone this because I do not want anyone to worry about me. But, since it's becoming more and more often, I really must write it down in case I keel over from it. It's probably nothing serious, but I do want to express some concerns about it.
I've been suffering from episodes of blacking out momentarily. I think it means feeling faint, but I'm not sure... I have these episodes of blacking out where all my sensory abilities are wiped out. I am still aware, but my vision, my hearing, my sense of smell and my sense of touch becomes totally void. Like I succumbed into a detached reality that is only darkness, and I am alone in it. It is because I am still aware, I can still maintain a standing posture by actively willing for it.
I probably need to go see a doctor about my heart, because despite the fact that I have a morally good heart... I'm not so sure about it physically, considering that I haven't been very kind to it. I spent 20 years not exercising and stuffing my face with a diet filled with meat.
Now that I'm turning 21, I'm going to start taking much better care of myself. I live by the philosophy that if I am to die in such a short life, I might as well make the most of it.
In the past, I lived by that philosophy in a different perspective. However, I realized that the joy I attained from snacks and pure laziness is just short-lived. So, now that I have truly began to live, I hope my world don't suddenly come crashing down on me because that definitely sucks.
Though I don't really believe in the prediction that I am to die on 2012, but I do think that prediction changed me. Sure, I initially lost hope and was placed in a state of fear that if the prediction is true, what am I doing in pharmacy? Since I won't live to graduate? However, after 2 days, I begin to see how much there is more to life that I was missing. I know I've been saying this many times before, and I never actually did anything about it because my subconscious was holding me back.
That prediction probably gone straight into my brain and my brain responded with, "Right, if I'm going to die soon, I might as well make every living day a great day!". Hence the reason why I don't bear lasting hatred on things I cannot control and I actually started living a little more. Everyday should be enjoyed. *nods*
I definitely became much more peaceful and appreciative, despite having a rather quick heart. If that's not possible since I am already docile as it is, I daresay it happened! What is death to fear than a life poorly lived?
You know, I find it amusing that the Mayans predicted that the world will reset/end in 2012 and that I am to die on 2012. Perhaps I shall be the next messiah and be revived to be the savior of man? Guess not, since I'm not from Israel, I'm not white(like most Jesus depictions), nor am I Christian. Plus, I lack the healing touch and the ability to turn water to wine, much less the ability to walk on it. Too many errors to be fixed before I can qualify as the next messiah. Perhaps I should try achieving nirvana?
I just compared a photo I took the last time I went to Newcastle and one I just took recently. I must say there is a noticeable difference. I'm no hunk, but I look better now. In fact, I FEEL better now.
Since I've seen the effect of taking control of my life, I'm going to start a few long term resolutions:
1) Get fit - Losing weight isn't my target, I just want to feel good and look good! Preferably have a moderately muscular build.
2) Start looking after myself a bit more - Sounds gay or vain, I know. But I look like a recently awakened old coot since puberty, might want to start looking better now. I'm young, it's probably time to LOOK young.
3) Start wearing contacts - I noticed that wearing glasses most of the time can be bothersome, especially when you're doing lab work and going out to have fun. While glasses are great when you're feeling lazy, but they are not practical at times.
4) Strive to pass my exams - I noticed that most people think I'm a neek (nerd+geek), because they never seen me out in the clubs, I participate in lecture questionings, and I have this annoying tendency to know how to do things. I might want to maintain that.
5) Get a part-time job - This won't be easy, but I have to regardless. With so many people getting laid off, it will be a challenge to get a job. I need a job, mainly because I cannot afford my uni books and some other luxuries in life. T.T
6) Participate in charity - I like helping people, but I don't think donating money would be of any help since only 5% of that goes to those who really need it anyway.
7) Build a social life - I'm viewed as the type of person who sits in his room all day studying or doing nerdy stuff. That doesn't help with my social life, because I do need friends if I'm going to get through uni. But, I suppose, being broke. I don't have much of an option. T.T
It won't happen overnight, but these are what I'm going to do for now. As motivational books go, I CAN DO IT! MUAHAHAHAHA and HA!
Not all is smooth sailing for me, I think I did crap for my Formulation test and my Chemistry test. I might need to work extra hard, but I do need a few days off, and Christmas break is just the time. XD
Lately, I can't seem to do things wholeheartedly... which isn't much of a surprise, to be honest. I have this cycle of being focused, and then easily distracted, and back to being focused again. I need to find my drive again, cause I need it to get on with this test.
Oh yes, I lost loads of weight. 17 kg since I came here. I now weigh 93 kg, my long term target is 70 kg. I lost most of my gut and my pants are slipping off me arse. All of my clothes no longer fit me the way they used to. I now look like a hermit crab with the wrong shell. Perhaps time to get some proper clothes. I wonder if I could get some clothes in Lincoln... like post Christmas sales or some sort. I need some work clothes that look presentable... and a good haircut since my hair is long enough to accumulate static electricity that caused visible sparks whenever I touch metal or people. XP
I never thought that I would have to start shopping... for clothes... Perhaps
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2dimensional could help me, since I have zero fashion sense.I peer out my window, glancing upon the world,
I see people playing, I see a snow covered land,
With a sigh, I longingly gazed into this world,
In my life, once upon a time in Sunderland
Gazing with my eyes brown so blue,
Oh, I wish that I may, I wish that I might,
But no wishes of mine will come true,
No matter bright the star shines the night
This is but a fantasy for one so shy,
For even if I want to be the next fly guy,
I will not allow myself to even try,
For I do not want to make my mother cry
Dreaming away while not asleep, but awake,
Dreaming of another me who is different,
What is wrong with me for heaven sake?
I am usually the one who is impossibly ardent
I turned around and scanned my personal space,
Oh yes, that’s right, I am missing something,
Perhaps a social life in some happening place?
Yes, but that is not what I should be thinking
Time to go, time to say sayonara,
I need to get back to my book,
Perhaps later make some carbonara,
To make sure I’m still a good cook.
My poetry skills used to be a lot better... lack of use robbed me once again!!!
However, from what I learn in pharmacy practice, it is projecting the kind of life I want to lead. A health care practitioner that place the patient's care first, and it is forever changing to the times. If I have to put it in an analogy, I might say that pharmacy is like having children, a lot of responsibility, exhausting and very demanding, but in the end, you feel satisfied of what you are doing and you learn something new everyday.
I just heard about independent prescribing pharmacy, and I now aspire to become one. However, it is a postgraduate course and it is highly doubtful that my parents are going to let me do it. But, if I go through with it, I can diagnose and prescribe drugs to a limited extent as well as having an arsenal of drug knowledge. It's not a doctor's job, but it is the closest thing.
I'm in pharmacy to help, I'm not in it for the money. So, I hope I could do it someday.
I know that comparing with other people will only make me feel worse, but the perfectionist part of me wants to be the best there is. Who knows when there IS a perfectionist side of me, but seriously, it's the side that is pushing me to the library in the darkness of night. I spend on an average 3 hours in the library every night. Everyone is saying "Wow, you're hardworking for a first year! Chill out! Let's go hit the pubs!" but, seriously, if I am NOT hardworking, I would've died in class.
Everything seems so alien, and interesting. Probably that's the reason that kept me enthusiastic. I like to learn... but, it seems like everything I learn here is something I have learned before. It's like I've been given a clean slate, and I have to learn everything again.
Sigh~ I feel like I'm missing my brain, has anyone seen it? Because without my brain, I feel like I'm nothing more than an enthusiastic ball of air that likes to learn but never seems to remember anything. Maybe I'm still confused. I'm kind of hoping for the latter.
Then, while I was on Bodycare queuing to pay for my bottle of lotion, I heard the tune again but it was sung by a bunch of guys. It was then that it all came back to me, I recall the song's lyrics. I kept humming the song all the way back to the Precinct, and mentally singing it. As I sat down on my computer, I searched for the song using Google and I found out that it's called NW5, originally sung by Madness. Our House - It Must be Love the musical songs is derived mostly from their songs.
It is brilliant, and very meaningful.
Read for yourself?
'Ooh I watched you grow up
Only to despise
I seen the madness stack up through
Tarpaulin eyes
I have heard you come up
Believing your own lies
Witnessed the blessing rise up in a
A very strange disguise
Though you have become a burden
One thing remains, thats for certain
I will love you all my life
But without you in my life
Ooh I watched you climb up
I seen you come alive
From those very humble beginnings in
NW5
Though we face the final curtain
One thing remains, thats for certain
I will love you all my life
But without you in my life
I would give you everything
For just the smile you bring
For just the song to sing
I would give you everything
For just that smile you bring
For just that song to sing I sing now
Yes I watched you grow up
Only to despise
Witnessed the blessing rise up in a
A very strange disguise
Nothing, it seems, lasts forever
People change just like the weather
Some for good and sometimes never
I hope things work out for the better
I would give you everything
For just the smile you bring
For just the song to sing
I would give you everything
For just the smile you bring
For just the song to sing I sing
Nothing, it seems, last forever
People change just like the weather
Some for good and sometimes never
I hope things work out for the better
I would give you everything
For just the smile you bring
For just the song to sing
I would give you everything
For just the smile you bring
For just the song to sing I sing
I would give you everything
For just the smile you bring
For just the song to sing I sing now''
I went to HSBC today and it appears that everyone had their bank card except me. It is issued, but it's not in the bank where I can collect it. So, I'm a little bit frustrated, because I ran all the way there in wind and rain, only to sit there for half an hour for them to tell me that my card isn't there yet. However, I don't blame anyone since it isn't anyone's fault that happened.
Since coming to the UK, I realized that my skin started turning really dry and it's hard to smile sometimes... because it really hurts. Now I have a surefire way to retaliate the phrase "It doesn't hurt to smile!". Because it really does. It's even harder to talk! Excuse me for looking grumpy these few days. :P
And one thing I noticed in the UK, almost everyone I see smokes like a chimney or/and drinks like a fish. Kinda makes me feel like a monk, but not quite. Maybe I just happen to notice people who smokes a lot and have drinks piles of alcohol.
Also, whenever I was invited to pub crawls, social events that costs 5-25 pounds or offered cigarettes/weed/etc., a reminder always sets off in my brain saying, "Remember who you are..." and it will make me decline. It's funny though, I have two other reminders that are akin to that phrase. Memento mori means "Remember you are mortal", which is what I use whenever I face a difficult situation that I must go through, so I won't feel bad if I do die because I will eventually. The other is, "Remember, you're only human" is my comfort. I always think of that when I screwed up, made a mistake, feel envious of other's abilities or couldn't be perfect. Heh, I have a phrase for abstinence, courage and comfort.
